Wednesday, February 15, 2006

G'day, how's it going....

....which is Kiwi for "ey up"

Only five weeks and already I'm picking up the lingo!

Got to apologise but this is going to be a long one - first chance I've had to do any kind of real update.

So, where to start when it comes to writing about this fantastic country? Well, I could start with the car salesman who sold me a car AND allowed me to drive it away for only a $50 deposit, and not batting an eyelid when I told him it would be five days before I was able to pay him. I'm still trying to find the catch but, quite honestly, the car is well, just sweet, as they say in these parts. Fair enough, the sat nav will only guide me around Japan but hey, let's not be picky now!

Then there's the estate agents - they seem to come in all shapes, sizes and styles, but basically fit into three general categories. First there's the bog-standard, common-or-garden bloke in a suit. Then there's the Rita Fairclough type that come in all shapes, but generally only in the general colour scheme of rich auburn, permatan and gold - this breed is the most prevalent it seems. But then, and this really blew me away, then there's the piece de resistance that is Brett....pronounced Britt. Brett is far and away the most fantastic and fascinating estate agent I have ever met. So where to begin describing Brett? Well, start off with your average Hell's Angel...imagine a multitude of artwork that is a testament to the skills of the various tattoo artists of Auckland - initially striking to me were the tribal tattoos crafted into his scalp, until of course you noticed the flowing dragons writhing down his neck under his mullet cut and into the expanse of chest (pronounced 'chist' that was on show. But surely the most captivating of all was the colony of penguins on an Antarctic glacier situated on the vast, and barren icy tracts of Brett's under forearm. Now I have to admit, I don't normally stare, but I have been pretty fascinated by the array of tattoos on display around Auckland, including in the office. However, all of this paled into insignificance when I caught the flash of gold in Brett's mouth. Initially, I dismissed this as nothing more than the kind of flashy dentistry frequently sported by 'gangstas', but I was shamed by my initial superficial dismissal when I realised that the two gold fillings on either side of his two front teeth, appeared to actually be some kind of design. After a couple of minutes holding a conversation with Brett's teeth, I realised that they were in fact two small golden scorpions! Now why can't all estate agents be like Brett? The world, I am sure, would be a much happier place!

And then there's the car number plates - It took me a couple of days to realise that there is no rationale to New Zealand car registration plates and, for a small fee, you can have absolutely anything you want, so long as it doesn't go beyond 6 digits. So, 2L8 FU is perfectly acceptable. as is DEVIL, SATAN, HOTGAL, SXESU, SUKYOU - all real number plates seen whilst driving around Auckland. It's a wonder I haven't crashed so far, I spend most of my time trying to fathom out what the number plates are trying to tell me! (Perhaps more puzzling though is finding from a search of the main registration plate website that"BuryFC" is not available!! And here's me thinking i'm the only bloke in New Zealand with a Bury FC window-sticker in the back of the car!)


And if that's not enough, there's the bungy jumping. Now from what I can make out from looking around me and a couple of conversations with coleagues, most Kiwis seem to have a death wish and will jump off anything that is more than 10ft above sea level. Not only that, but they seem happy enough to do this with nothing other than an industrial strength elastic band attached to their legs! (Which leaves me wondering - who first discovered the elasticity required to avoid a) collision with the fast approaching earth and b) ripping your feet off at the ankles? But I digress)

We had a trip up the Skytower -the tallest tower in the Southern Hemisphere, and something like the 13th tallest building in the world. You can whizz to the top in glass elevators. And at the top of the tower you can walk on glass floors, or look out on a 360 degree panoramic view of Auckland.....and watch complete idiots jump off the top before your very eyes, reaching the bottom in only 16 seconds, attached to nothing more than a larger than life office supply!

Marvelling at this spectacle, one thought came to my mind.....WHY????

And some general stuff? Well, this is a place where people kayak to work, where people wear flip flops (jandals) everywhere...that's when they wear shoes at all. Nobody looks at you oddly if you walk round the supermarket barefoot. and fashion is something that is set by everyone - you can wear anything, any time, to any event. For instance, after spending the first two weeks in shorts and sandals, we had an appointment to see the school principal to register the kids - not being too sure what to expect, I made an effort and wore a polo shirt with cargo pants. The principal arrived in shorts, sandals and a t-shirt. At least he had the decency to cast me a sympathetic glance when he realised the sweat was running down my body and collecting in my shoes! He briefly explained the school uniform policy but confessed his greatest difficulty was getting the kids to keep their shoes and socks on for longer than first registration! Even better was to come when we found out a bit more about the curriculum. My four year old daughter has four lessons a week at the beach learning surfcraft. Seems here they put a lot of emphasise on being safe around the water. Where I come from, if you fell in the water there was a good chance you'd die of concussion from hitting a Tesco trolley before you had chance to drown!

And then there's the commute - five weeks ago, I was crawling down the East Lancs Road at an average speed of 15mph, dragging my sorry soul the 12 miles into Manchester. Now, I hop on the ferry for 45 minutes and watch the world go by. Even better, on the way home, I sit on the outside deck, nursing an ice cold beer. NOW THAT'S COMMUTING!! Awesome...as they say in these parts.

Ah well, enough for now - got to conserve my energy for the yachting trip on Saturday!

Catchya (which I think means ta-ra)



11 comments:

gigglanecraig said...

Beer? Yachting?

Git!!

Chipshaker said...

Everything has it's price Craig - you can't get a decent black pudding for love nor money mate!

Chipshaker said...

er..apologies for the offensive misuse of the apostrophe....thought I'd get that in before Jesse turns up

crazed lunatic said...

sounds like you have it awfully rough there..... *sticks tongue out*

Anonymous said...

Sounds perfect Chip! Children got NZ accents yet?

Anonymous said...

I assume you're struggling on the black pudding front because they are not native to NZ.

You could try importing some and starting up a farm, but given that they breed like rabbits, you could end up with a "black pudding-proof" fence stretching across the country to prevent proliferation.

Chipshaker said...

Just to answer a few of the questions.....

Strawbs - I couldn't possibly risk importing live animals into NZ without the appropriate import licences. If I were caught, I'd be in prison before you know it. Besides, as you well know, black puddings are native to the damp, temperate uplands of the Lancashire moors, they wouldn't survive the tropical heat!

Happy Days and Anonymous - the kids don't have accents as such,although it is starting to break through - everything is "sweet as","cool" or "awesome" these days. My daughter has picked up the NZ "yis" and my son has been influenced by an America friend, so I regularly hear "aw jeez Mom!"

I still have the cultured tones of a lad from Bury!

Anonymous said...

Tropical? I fear you have been mis-sold Auckland. Just wait until June, and you'll find the local climate eerily familiar and a perfect environment for black puddings.

Chipshaker said...

You could be right Strawbs, although I am assured by the locals that it doesn't really get cold here. Nevertheless, whilst I am always on the look out for a new business venture, I fear I don't have the available capital to set up a black pudding farm at this point in time.

Aside from the import licences, as most people know, black puddings moult in the warm weather and therefore, being natives of the Lancashire moorland, effectively retain their thick, striking greenish-brown winter fur for 327 days of the year. Furthermore, they have a highly tuned body clock and only mate when the fog decends and the daytime temperature falls below 5C (approximately 279 days per year around Holcombe Hill)

To import them direct to New Zealand would mean that a high percentage would die of heat exhaustion, and the sub-tropical temperatures would prevent the survivors mating.

Being a scouser, I wouldn't expect you to know this.

However, you have provoked some thoughts. I may well speak to Auckland Zoo about a temperature controlled breeding programme.......

Anonymous said...

I bow to your superior knowledge of the sexual habits of northern delicacies.

Unknown said...

Ey up Chip,

Finally got around to commenting on you'r (lol) inappropriate apostrophe. Nightmare week for me last week - As explained on the phone, I had to do some proper work for my money!

For reference, the history of black puddings in the Bury area are well documented at http://tinyurl.com/nvd4p for anyone interested.